Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Stop The Polar Express – I Want to Get Off Now!

First appeared on Blogcritics.

cold 2 Lake Michigan, Chicago, Illinois[/caption] We lovers of the film The Polar Express sometimes think, “Wouldn’t it be really great to be able to board a train that went all the way to the North Pole for a visit to Santa’s workshop?” Well, as the so called “polar vortex” sends air normally reserved for Santa and his elves this way, I have decided I have no desire to go up there even if I would get a chance to meet the jolly old elf himself.

cold 3No, this air is so cold that you could, as my mother used to say, cut it with a knife. Add to this the 25-mile-per-hour winds, and you get a wind-chill factor that borders on out of this world – literally out of this world. Case in point is Babbit, Minnesota, where it’s -38°C (that’s before calculating wind-chill) and colder than the surface of Mars. This is not just bitterly cold or frigid – it is severe, penetrating (don’t even believe that one about wearing layers), and Arctic-like in its intensity.

So far this winter I have shoveled for hours after two snowstorms, and now New York City (as much of the rest of the country) is blanketed with this cold weather from the North Pole. This is when things crawl to a snarl, equipment fails, trains stop running, and people move as if they are in slow motion. We aren't just numb at this point; we are chisled by the icy air, and the thought of going outside is as promising as that trip to the dentist for root canal.

If you have kids you know that this is the time to “bundle them up” and make them look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy when they walk. My kids went out to school this morning with just their eyes visible, and as I followed them out the door, despite all of my preparation (three shirts, two sweaters, scarf, gloves, and hat with ear flaps) nothing would have kept me warm. Turning the ignition in the car, the engine made a groaning sound – as if to say, “Why are you trying to start me? Are you nuts?”

I have been looking for answers online and TV this morning. My question is – and I’m sure some of you are thinking it too – what happened to global warming? Well, judging from some explanations from the experts, it is not unexpected that global warming could cause these bouts of extreme weather. According to CNN International senior meteorologist Brandon Miller, “different types of extreme weather can result from the overall warming of the planet.”

cold 1Here in New York we have had nothing but extreme weather all year, but especially in the last few days. We had a heavy snowfall last week followed by icy rain (causing the streets to glaze over and pedestrians to lose their grande cappuccinos as they flopped on their rear ends). On Monday the temperature soared to 60°F, creating a thick soup-like fog that would have rivaled anything found in London, and now today we dropped to 4°F and are dreaming of anything but a “white” Christmas.

As many of us face solemn days in this time after the holidays, the last thing we need is winter’s kick in the face. And believe me, that is exactly how it felt when I went out this morning. Jack Frost wasn’t just nipping at my nose; it seemed as if he were ripping it off along with my cheeks.

Watching TV this morning, the meteorologists were like dancing a jig they were so happy. As one of my local broadcasters stood before a map of the New York City area with all insanely low temperatures on it, he seemed positively giddy – like my kids when they learned school was closed on Friday because of the snowstorm. I understand that weather is this guy’s job, but for the rest of us this is nothing to laugh about or to celebrate.

So take all the cold weather tips and try them if you like. Wearing layers didn’t work for me today, although I imagine I would have been much colder if I had not tried it. My father used to say bears have the best reaction to winter – they hibernate, but most of us are not afforded that luxury. If you can stay indoors, do so. Drink your hot chocolate (or brandy if you so choose), throw another log on the fire, and try to stay warm.

hogan wikipediaIn the meantime my family and I have been treated to my niece’s pictures from her trip to  Australia. She is seemingly very happy running around Sydney in shorts and a T-shirt, playing volleyball on the beach, and taking a dip in the ocean. The heck with putting another log on the fire; I’d rather be like good old Paul Hogan and throwing another shrimp on the barbie. Oh, well, I can dream on such a winter’s day.

  Photo credits – cnn.com; hogan - wikipedia

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